It's finally finished.
We went to see it on Saturday. Even though I knew what it looked like because I designed it, it still killed me to see it in stone.
I posted a picture of it on Facebook. I don't really know why. Maybe to remind people that she's still out there? Or remind them why I don't come to their baby showers or gush and coo over their baby pictures? That's probably it.
They have their pictures, I have mine. Sometimes bitterness wins out and I foolishly try to humble the world, when really I need to humble myself.
Everyone said "it's so beautiful." "I love it." "It's so perfect." "You did a great job." or, my favorite, "dang!" yes. That was a real comment.
Yes, I think it turned out beautiful. But I hate it. I hate that I don't get to use this beautiful name I have loved for so long for a daughter I have longed for my whole life. Instead, this name is on a headstone and my baby is in heaven.
I know what you're thinking. I know I'll have her one day. I know she's mine forever. I know she's perfect and I'll get to raise her. But you know what? I don't have her right now.
And that really, really sucks.