Monday, June 18, 2012

Confessions...

I'm not an idiot. (That's not the confession. That's the disclaimer.)
I know that reality is not going to live up to expectations.
But let me confess anyway because I actually have a broad spectrum on the expectation scale.

I often think about bringing home this perfectly adorable, perfectly well behaved child. His little cries will be minimal, his little poops nice and neat, and his little spit ups will never end up in my hair or all over my favorite shirt. Breastfeeding will be a breeze. He'll sleep for many hours at a time, allowing me to catch up on my own sleep.
I'll lose weight so fast.
Every day is going to be so fun. He'll grow up with his daddy's smile and his angel sister's chubby cheeks. He'll be sweet and polite and love going to church. He'll never talk back, never whine, and never throw a tantrum over something stupid.
Motherhood is going to be such a breeze.

Yeah. Freaking. Right.

I know none of this stuff is going to happen. But let's flip this around.

I'm scared to death. Something has to go wrong. There's going to be some major problem that's going to change our lives forever. Because nothing works out the way you hope it does, no matter how hard you struggle to have faith that it will.
It's going to be too hard. There's going to be major disappointments that will make me feel like a terrible mother. The things I fear the most will undoubtedly occur. Everything is going to blow up in my face and any mere inkling of those serene dreams I had about family life and motherhood are going to shatter. I just know it.
Or I'll just be fat forever.

Because you can't have it all. Ever. You can't have the healthy, beautiful child, the perfect body, and the wonderful marriage to someone who will be successful and happy in his profession. You just can't.
Because it wouldn't be fair. Everyone has to have trials.
Mine are just getting started, notwithstanding our nightmarish past.

That's how I feel lately.

I know I won't have this freakishly ideal home and family. But for me, even the hope of a happy, cute, and healthy baby; a happy, cute, and healthy husband; and a happy, cute, and healthy self, seems... unreachable. Unallowed. Wrong. I should accept what life gives me and be grateful. 


Why? Why do I have to feel like this? I try so hard to pray it away; to accept God's will and let go of my fear. But I can't. 
Because I want it all. I had to give my first baby back to Heavenly Father. And now I want life to give me what I want.
Is it wrong to feel like this? Do other moms feel like this?

11 comments:

Alesha said...

Oh I hate this post. Because I have felt those same things. It is so hard to be positive and real at the same time. It seems they can't co-exist.I hope for you that the only things that aren't perfect is a little bit of behavior. No one can totally get away from a tantrum here or there! :)

thatonegirl said...

I love how brutally honest you are, but hate that you are going through such a mess!

I say have hope, enjoy it because no matter what happens you will probably regret not enjoying what you can.

I wish I could say things will be perfect... but I cannot. So I will say this, enjoy each moment, each little kick each little outfit and idea.

Relish each one.

Heather said...

Amy, I don't no where to begin or how to construct my thoughts in an eloquent manner (especially with my bickering twins in the background!), so forgive me.

I do know that life is good. You will be able to enjoy this new baby, your fears will lessen and you will find joy in your life as it is now and as is will unfold.

I don't think you are wrong to be feeling what you are, so let that go. Be kind to yourself and realize that your perception of perfect will continually change.

Do I want perfectly behaved children? Sure! But without the outbursts and struggles neither myself nor my children would learn and grow. Do I like changing 3 poopy bums continually throughout the day, every day, over and over and over? Not particularly but it comes with the gig and I like those little bum cheeks.

It is okay to want and it is okay to struggle. I think that motherhood is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done, save losing my child. It can be boring, monotonous, draining in every way. And yet it is amazing, fulfilling and beautiful. You are going to do wonderfully and there will be horrible days and sprinkles of perfection.

You, Bret and Heavenly Father are a team. You are not alone. Love you friend!

Saimi said...

Hey, hey, hey now Amy simmer down girl, your baby is going to be perfect and because he is you won't mind the sleepless nights, the poopie diapers, the spit up and all that other baby stuff because when he looks at you and smiles you will know Heavenly Father sent you a wonderful gift.

Everything will be just fine!

Gloria Sigountos said...

Let me share two things with you. Please take these with a grain of salt because i am not a parent yet. 1. my friend who i s a child counceler shared with me something her mom told her when she was freaking out about having a baby, your aim is not to be the perfect parent but to be the kind of parent tht your kids will forgive for all the times you mess up. 2. I'd like to direct you to my very good friend the Usual fool he is a stay at home dad who blogs about his adventures with his 18 mo daughter. yesterday's post i think will be very helpful. http://usualfool.wordpress.com/2012/06/17/sunday-17-june-2012/
you are going to be a great mom!

La la said...

You do have it all! If you compare what you have to what you think you should have you will be sad. And its silly to be sad when your life is beautiful because its yours.

heather said...

Let's start with some words from President Uchdorf:

The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy.


And to answer your main question: yes. Yes, I feel that way. Like my life is so good right now, wonderful and beautiful and all I hoped for and I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Mostly because I know that in this life we all have to go through our own trials. And I compare mine to theirs and I can't help but think: where are mine? when are they going to show up?

But then I try to remind myself that in the moments of my greatest need, the strength to cope has always been given me -and I have been sustained through my those trials. And I have to trust that when those kind of trials come again, that the Lord's promises are sure: that He will not leave me comfortless and he will send angels to be on my right hand and on my left. I'm not given that strength until the moment I need it, so the worrying about it in the mean time seems so much worse. Doesn't stop me from worrying, but it helps a bit.

Something I've also though about recently is that a lot of the people I'm comparing trials with created their trials by exercising free agency and making choices that perhaps weren't the wisest ones. Some of our trials in life are ones that we created ourselves and if we're striving to live close to the Spirit and do what's right and follow the commandments with exactness, our trials might be less... ? Does that make sense?

Darci Cole said...

Oh Amy.

I know how you feel. I've been there. But if there's one thing I've learned that's helped me through times like that, it's gratitude.

I can't begin to tell you how crazy I feel our life has been for the last 2.5 years. I realize there are harder trials (you've had one, probably more) but I'll be honest when I say it was really frustrating living in a tiny apartment like we were, for that long.

It wasn't until I started to feel grateful for what we DID have (as the Pres. Uchdorf quote says) that things started to change. Now that we finally have what we've been praying for, I can't help but feel immense gratitude for all that we've been blessed with.

Do I have the perfect child? No, but he's mine. Do I have a perfect husband? No, but he's mine. Do I have the perfect body? No, but I'm grateful for it. Do I have a clean house, enough money, and all the sanity I need, all the time? Heck NO.

Life isn't perfect, but I don't think this one is meant to be. That comes later. For now, just bask in gratitude every time Abraxus-Fitzwilliam kicks your ribs, and kiss your husband every chance you get, and look around and be in love with where you are in life RIGHT NOW.

If you can do that, you'll always be happy, no matter what trials are thrown your way.

I love you, girl. Call me if you need to vent. See you Saturday :-)

alissa apel said...

I felt like this as well. The truth is, is that nothing is perfect.

My oldest had a staph infection at 7 months, my youngest had meningitis at 2 months and my sister has had 2 babies born with a genetic condition called Trisomy 18.

You know what...we deal. It works out, or doesn't and we deal with it.

Things happen as they should no matter how hard they are. It's the hard things that challenge us to be better people, stronger.

Just like the bad things happen, good things happen to. Both my boys are well today. My sister's baby, my nephew who was supposed to pass away is going to be a year old this week.

Marilyn said...

All I can tell you is....hormones! You are in the last throes of pregnancy and it basically sucks! You've got that added extra worry because of your past experiences and quite frankly, I don't think you are abnormal in any way. Right now it is just one day at a time and I think I've already told you this....that Heavenly Father gives mamas the last month of pregnancy so they'll do ANYTHING to get that baby out. Ask that handsome hunk of a husband of yours to give you a blessing. I love you! Hang in there!!!

Bass Family said...

The first part of this post made me laugh out loud, because before i had my child i thought parenting would be a breeze. It's not, and i honesly don't ever have clean shirts, and he is almost 2! boys are dirty. :)
I disagree about not being able to have it all. I think you can have it all, the wonderful marriage, the good kids(loose definition) and a good body. it just takes work. And sometimes i think that is the trial. Can you put the work in to make what you deserve happen? BEcause nothing comes for free. But That just makes it more worthwhile. :)
Good luck with your baby!