Remember when I had gestational diabetes? I do. I remember how hard it was to eat right. But oh man, was it worth it.
Lately I've been doing pretty awful with my eating habits. We're talking all-out food addiction. You wouldn't know it looking at me. I'm pretty slim, sorta strong, and I can run 5 miles in one go (slowly. But I can). But food is my crutch. I've been using it to self-medicate. I eat when I'm not hungry, even when I'm full! I succumb to every craving, and if there are no treats in the house, I make them.
Brownie in a mug, anyone?
I don't feel "free" to eat what I want. I don't feel like I'm "loving myself the way I am." I feel out of control. I feel like a slave. Even now, I'm sitting here at 8:21 am and I'm dying to eat another chocolate-covered strawberry I got from my dad for Valentine's Day. I already had one this morning. Like, I can't stop thinking about it. I will probably succumb.
It's a horrible attitude. It's not empowering. It's addiction.
I'm admitting this to the world (or at least, whoever is following my long-neglected blog), because I'm trying to change. I'm trying to gain back control. It's not about losing weight, although I'd like to do that too. I'd like to look at a plate of brownies and think: "that's nice, but maybe another time" instead of: "oh my gosh, all of you--in my mouth. Now."
My goal is to go 30 days. 30 days on my gestational diabetes diet. I'm not going to count calories. I'm going to eat as clean as I can, eat only when I'm hungry, and keep my blood sugar steady. I don't have a way to check my blood sugar (holy crap, have you seen the price of diabetes testing supplies??? Don't get me started. I feel for people who have to do this every day, dozens of times a day, their whole lives). But I do have the ability to track my carbs.
So, to sum up: Starting February 17th, 2019, I'm starting this cleanse. After the 30 days are up, I'm going to take stock of how I feel. I'm going to evaluate other things I've been struggling with too:
2. Fatigue during the day
3. Insomnia at night
4. Stamina during workouts.
7. Overall mental health
I KNOW I'm going to be crabby. My system has been overloaded with sugar for too long and getting rid of it is going to make my nucleus accumbens very upset (the part of the brain associated with motivation, novelty, and reward according to psycholgytoday.com). Part of my "therapy" for this addiction is to write when I'm feeling stressed or having cravings in order to work through the negative feelings. So be prepared for lots of blog posts documenting my progress.
Here we go.
I haven't had that chocolate covered strawberry yet. And it's 8:34 am.