Reason #852 I am a Nerd

I own 4 seasons of this show on DVD.
And I sometimes still TiVo it.

It's corny to the point of being embarrassing.
But I am still an obsessed fan.
When I was a teenager, I had the majorest crush on Zack Morris

I could tell you off the top of my head that Bayside's mascot is the Tigers.
That the A.C. in Slater's name stands for Albert Clifford.
That Jessie got accepted to Columbia.
And that Screech named his first zit Murray.

 And when Zack and Kelly FINALLY got married....

I cried.

Seriously. I did.




On a completely different note:
Ella would have been one month old today. While I miss her terribly and always will, I am so grateful that when it comes to my angel, there is one emotion I will never feel: worry.
She is perfect, she is happy, she is free, she is mine.
Mommy loves you, baby!!

Pizza & Sass

Yesterday me and my friend Amber went to the fabric store. Not just any fabric store... THE fabric store. This store, called SAS, in Tempe, AZ is like a warehouse of fabric, ribbon, and any little doodads you could possibly want for a sewing project. For cheaper than other stores.
Here is where we go when we want to make costumes.

I hadn't planned on going to the Renaissance Festival this year.
I won't waste my time in telling you how much I wish I was still carrying out my original plans.
Too late. Already told you.
Oh well.
But the Renaissance Festival is coming up. And since I don't have any other plans, I'm going to go.
Yes, I'm one of "those" people. Those people who like to dress up and walk around a fake marketplace with a fake accent and play princess for a day. Call it crazy, call it getting in touch with my inner child, call it whatever you want.
I just call it FUN. Here's a post of last year's Renaissance Festival.

So anyway, me and the lovely Amber went to buy fabric for this year's costumes (cuz you can't wear last years... it's like the Oscars. You have to have a different dress! Plus I have the time to sew a new one. I need a project.)

Here's some highlights:

Amber with the many, many bolts of satin fabric for only 2.99/yard.

 Here's the fabric I chose. A lovely sea green with BEAUTIFUL accent fabric.

Amber got an absolutely gorgeous and very regal color of purple.

 After SAS, we went for our traditional slice of pizza from Slices at Tempe Market Place. The giant salad you see in our hands is actually the chicken caesar pizza. Oh. my. yumminess.

 

 

 MMMM!!! Love this pizza.

Fun day. Can't wait to show you the finished product of our costumes!

Role Reversal

So, after all the crap-o-la that's being going on (k, pardon the understatement), why not throw another log on the fire?
Saturday night, my husband was in excruciating pain from a toothache.
Yep.

Inhale.... exhale....

I felt terrible because I couldn't fix it. And now I know what it feels like to have to watch your spouse endure awful physical pain and be powerless against it. Usually I'm the one who has to go to the emergency room, call the doctor, revisit the hospital, get a shot or two or ten... the list goes on.

I do not like the role reversal. I know, I know, it's just a toothache. But it was still pain. Bad. And this guy is tough. A rock. My solid anchor. My brave, brave man.

So I called the dentist. :)

Nope, not the one I used to work for. heh heh heh. No, I called my husband's dentist, who has been a bit of a mentor for him while he was applying for dental school. He came down to his office on a Saturday night (what a saint) and started the root canal.

And I got to assist! It was actually pretty fun*. And it was nice not having to worry about getting spit on me. Since it was, after all, my husband's spit. Dr. A was very kind to me. He and my husband had fun discussing the finer points of tooth fixing. And we got him out of pain, which is the most important part.

This picture was taken AFTER he was numbed up. :)

What a trooper. I love you, babe!


*no, I'm not going to look for a new assisting job and I'm never going to work for my husband on a permanent basis. Emergencies, fine. Filling in for someone, ok. But all the time? heck no.

Jakie's Blankies

Today would have been a very special baby boy's second birthday. He is celebrating that birthday in heaven now.

I bet the birthday parties up there are the best.

Jake, just like Ella, is a heart baby who was just too perfect for this world.
His mommy, Liz, is my special friend and she has the most beautiful blog post celebrating her sweet boy's birthday. Check it out here.

Liz and her family started "Jakie's Blankies" to help offer love and comfort to families with sick babies by providing them with baby blankets. I encourage you to look it up on her blog, for during such difficult times, it's wonderful to have the comfort of a soft blanket. Here is the direct link for more details on Jakie's Blankies. You can also read more about Jake's story and about his wonderful family.

Really? I mean... REALLY??

Two years ago I had my appendix out.
About a week later, I caught a cold.

Three weeks ago I had a c-section.
Now I'm coughing like crazy.

You know what really hurts after having surgery? besides laughing, sneezing, walking, puking, holding a purse, or standing at a check-out line

COUGHING


Just so you know, next time I have major abdominal surgery, I'll be coughing shortly thereafter so unless you want a cold, steer clear.

My Ladybug

Today was Ella's original due date.
Just thought I'd tell you.

I knew that I'd be seeing ladybugs everywhere after our little Ladybug left us. But this was kind of cool. 

Last Thursday, my mom took me out for what she called "shopping therapy."

It's not recommended to use this kind of therapy too often.

But a little bit is okay.

And very therapeutic indeed.

We went to Charming Charlie's, the best accessory store pretty much in the whole wide universe. I got two ADORABLE shirts, a stinkin cute wallet, a headband that is to die for, and the most amazing bookmark ever.

So, about this bookmark... I saw these things in a little basket tucked in a shelf. At first, I couldn't really tell what they were for. The only ones I caught a glimpse of had little fleur de lis or little crosses them. So I reached totally blindly into the basket and pulled out this:

Oh. My. Gosh. I didn't even see it in the basket.
"Ahh!" I said.

"It's a sign!" my mom cried. "You have to have this bookmark."

My Ladybug was saying hi to her mommy. 

I love you too, my sweet Ella!


P.S. Mom, thank you so much for the shopping therapy. It was a lot of fun.

Forever

The day I had been dreading finally came.


We got to hold our baby one last time. For about two and a half hours that felt like twenty minutes.
I couldn't stop staring at her. I wanted to memorize her face and the feel of her soft hair under my fingertips. I wanted to remember  forever that she had my nose and my husband's mouth. She looked so beautiful in her exquisite white dress, wrapped in the silky white quilt my aunt made for her.


But we couldn't hold her forever, because it wasn't really our Ella. It was only her temporary tabernacle. Even though I knew this, it didn't make that moment of farewell any easier. My broken heart split all the wider.


Hearts that have been broken wide open need to be filled up with something else. That's why we have funerals.


You could say the day was perfect. The weather was beautiful; a tender mercy among many.
There was so much love at that place. I feel it wrapped around us even now and I know it surrounds the place where our baby rests.
 The words that were spoken and the prayers that were offered were perfect.
Perfect words on a perfect day for my perfect little girl.


Truly, God blesses those that have cause to mourn.


There is no doubt in my mind that the power of God's priesthood protects her now. It is that same power that gave me miraculous peace and strength enough to drive away from that place. It is the same power that turns a horrible day into a sacred one. It is the same power that binds me to my husband and us to our daughter.


Forever.

One step forward, half step back

Yesterday we went to the funeral home to make some decisions for Ella's services.
I was half dreading it, half looking forward to it.
I don't want to put my baby in the ground. More than anything in the world, I just crave to turn back time, alter reality, hold her close and feel her beating heart. I want her sleeping in her crib in the next room, or laying in my lap and looking up at me. I'll even take her screaming her little lungs out.


But I have to continue through this excruciating trial. And since I have to, I'm glad I have the people at Falconer's Funeral home to help us with the final "goodbye, until we meet again."


They share our religious beliefs and conviction.
Their gentle reassurance and understanding helped put me at ease.
Their generosity left me completely flabbergasted.


For those of you who are local, we will be having the graveside service on Wednesday, January 12th at 1:00 at the Mesa Cemetery.
I feel so much comfort and relief that my baby is in their hands. We went home feeling at peace and bolstered by the good people who are taking care of Ella's final preparations.




Then I made the mistake of looking through a journal entry I wrote while in the hospital while my husband is gone until this afternoon helping his brother with some errands.
Hence, one step forward and half a step back.


Keep busy.
Keep busy.
Find something to do.
Maybe, just this once, I'll let a bowl of ice cream help. Maybe there's something good on tv. can't do too much of that now. still have a few more pounds to get rid of. Or how about a good, hard freewriting session.
I have a prologue to rewrite.

How about some good news

I thought I'd post a little happiness since it's promising to be a very difficult afternoon. We're going to the funeral home to work out the final arrangements for Ella's services.

So before I go, I thought I'd tell you about my doctor's appointment today.

~Incision healing well. That's good.
~Blood pressure has stabilized.
~I can start driving again in a week. After over a month of no driving, I wonder if I still remember how.
~Doctor is going to Israel next week and told me he'd pray for us while he's there. Very sweet guy.

and

~I lost 30 pounds.

booyah.

I have to say this now

I was just reading a conference talk by Elder Kevin R. Duncan entitled Our Very Survival.

And suddenly, I felt better.

I was reading about God keeping His promises to His people and how we have to remain faithful to Him in order to receive the blessings of His promises... no matter the hardship.

Here and now, on the public world-wide-web, I have to say

No matter how much this hurts, no matter how badly I miss my baby, and no matter what pain I experience or see in the eyes of my loved ones, I will forever be loyal to my God. I cannot and will not depart from Him. Ever. 

Because I know that with Him, I can be happy. On His path, I am safe. And I will be as close to my little girl as I possibly can as long as I'm close to Him.

The grief will return. It's kind-of like a house-fly. I can beat it away all I want but it'll always come buzzing right back in my face when I least expect it. 

But for this moment, I feel lighter. And free of the house fly.

I'm thinking of doing a painting of Ella

using the excellent ultrasound picture I have of her.

I'll post it when it's finished.

Healing

I got home from the hospital on Sunday afternoon.


Right now I'm feeling pretty good physically. Not taking a whole lot of pain meds other than motrin. I try to stay off the heavy stuff as much as possible. I don't know if I ever mentioned that the delivery was a c-section.




So now I'm on the road to healing. Physically, it shouldn't take too long.


Things that are getting me through:
Of course the gospel of Jesus Christ and prayers of His faithful children on our behalf.
The strength of my husband and the priesthood he holds.
The love and support of family and friends.
The generosity and compassion of so many.
As I get stronger, service to others.
Writing.
Looking forward to rebuilding our lives.


And trying very, very hard to heal. One moment is better than the next. Another moment hurts worse than the last.


Now I'm going to finish watching Sorcerer's Apprentice and eat some potato soup.


*also, I'm looking for a ladybug locket. Preferrably something in silver so I can wear it with anything. I've searched everywhere online and I can only find one in gold. Something along these lines:

only silver. If you come across something like this, please let me know!

Can't Sleep

Worrying too much.
Not so much about Ella because I know where she is; safe and happy. Right now, I just miss her.
No, right now I'm worrying about my own health. Blood pressure too high, heart rate low, and other issues that aren't serious, just another punch in the face. Don't worry, it's not anything anyone did or said. We have felt surrounded by the love of our Father in Heaven, Jesus Christ, family and friends. We have felt the prayers of so many; some people we've never even met.


It's really hard to write down emotions and events, especially when the emotions are still so raw and the events still so harrowing. I've written some things down, but I don't know if I'll share them on here. They still sting.
I'm sorry I already posted song lyrics. The one in my last post came so freely to my mind, it was the only thing I could bear to write.
But song lyrics communicate emotion so well and with little effort on my part. If you don't mind, I'd like to share another one with you. I apologize to God and every prayerful person that it's not a hymn or church song, even though those have come to mind as well.


This is actually a love song from a Broadway musical. But it fits how I'm feeling about my baby girl.

At the edge of darkness

Hope is whispering still

Tender, honoring, gently stirring

Memories unfurling in the mind

Warm winds from a far, forgotten country

Long left behind.

Distant and divided

Worlds and miles apart

Dreams of days together

Broken in my heart.

Lives whistle before us

Fade away;

Sweet words we will never whisper

Words we long to say:

Soft, now my love

And rest your hand in mine

Feel my love, I am near.

Always, my love

Forever by your side

Love eternal* love undying.

Wandering the empty world

In twilight's silver shade

Following the hidden path

Slow and unafraid.

Let the sunlight free the heart

Forever bound to roam

And let the waking morning find

The weary traveler returning home.

*original word was "immortal."

It's a beautiful song. If you'd like to hear it in it's entirety, click here.

I am able to smile.

I still need to cry.

But crying hurts my healing body.

Like laughing.

I'm scared to sleep.

But mornings bring me hope.