One Year

Happy Birthday, my precious Ella.

Last night I woke up just after midnight. I wonder if my body knew it had been exactly a year since we held you  during the short moments of your life. I stayed up as though to keep vigil, remembering, glancing at the clock, knowing I had little time. I kept wondering what you'd want me to be doing, then decided you'd want me to be sleeping. Like Daddy. So I turned off the light at a quarter past two. I don't know how long it took me to drift off.

This year is one I'm ready to leave behind, but I never, ever want to forget. On your birthday, I should be giving you gifts. Instead you've given gifts to me:
  Deeper faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and in His gospel.
  Greater love for your daddy and the rest of our family.
  Peace. I no longer look on the concept of death with fear or dread. And I anticipate the second coming of our Savior with eagerness.
  A more profound appreciation for the blessing of temple ordinances.
  Greater faith in myself and my own personal worthiness.
  The knowledge that I have a daughter who is pure and perfect; an angel to guide me along, to watch over me, and to encourage me when times get rough.
  And though I don't always understand God's will, and sometimes I still have to work on trusting Him, I have grown in my knowledge of His infinite mercy and love for me.

I learn so much from you and I know I always will, for I still have so much more life to live and an unbelievable amount of things yet to learn. I hate that you're gone. I despise the memory of leaving you behind at that hospital. Sometimes I do not endure well. I have irrational fears when it comes to my future children. I become embittered easily, angry, and sometimes live with a false notion that everyone else lives perfect lives with their own healthy children.

And yet, here we are. On what would have been your first birthday. Though I wish beyond everything in this world that you were here, I wouldn't trade the gifts you've given me for anything. I love you so much and miss you every single day.

I wish I was buying you presents for your birthday. Something like a new outfit, a fun toy, and a ladybug birthday cake. Instead, I'll have to do other things that would make you happy where you are right now: I'll be a little nicer, a little more loving, a little more pure in heart, and a little more devoted to our beloved Savior.

Still... I do have a little gift for you. One that is tangible, though it won't show up until next July.

Around the 24th, I think.

Though you've known for a while, I'm sure.
And I'm terrified and ecstatic at the same time to actually say it out loud.

How would you like a baby brother or sister?

Happy Birthday, my Angel.

Love,
Mom

Merry Christmas

I can't read this without tearing up. I miss my baby. Especially at times like this. 

But I take comfort in knowing

That she's spending this Christmas safe in the arms of our Savior.

My First Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
This sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear.
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
For I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description to hear an angel sing.

I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away, we are really not apart.

So be happy for me dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
For after all "Love" is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

So please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
For I cannot count the blessings for the love he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

--Author Unknown

Merry Christmas, everyone. 

Saimi

Pronounced Sigh-me.

This lady is just cute. I like her blog because it makes me smile, makes me laugh, and makes me wish my husband liked horseback riding.

And she's a lovely commenter, so if you'll be her friend, she'll help to feed your ego. :)
BTW, Saimi, I keep trying to comment on all your adorable recent posts. The re-cap of 2011 was just too cute, I loved it! For some reason, blogger is acting weird and won't let me comment on your blog. Hm. Just know that I am reading and enjoying them!


She tells the most hilarious stories. Sometimes about her job, sometimes her family (which includes her dog and horse.) Her blog is very anecdotal and fun.

Facts about Saimi:
~She loves horseback riding (in case you didn't catch that)
~She's an accomplished quilter.
~She has a wonderful sense of humor
~She works at a preschool. Sense of humor comes in handy.
~She knows how to rock the blonde!
~She's a wife, mom, and great storyteller.

Thanks for making me laugh, Saimi! And for being my friend. :)

Serene

I just have to start by saying this girl his HIL.AR.I.OUS!!!!

And she's real. The only sugar-coating on this blog is when she confesses her endless need for chocolate.
And let's face it... who doesn't have an endless need for chocolate?

Serene is my name, not my life! is one of my favorite blogs to read because she's just so dang funny. And her funniness is mostly because the stuff she writes about is so relatable and true. She has a way with writing her posts that make it feel like you're having a conversation with her.

Another person I wish I had as a neighbor.
And not just because she always has chocolate.


Things I know about Serene:
~She's an exceptionally gifted artist
~She has a husband and 5 very cute and entertaining children
~She loves shoes and chocolate. did I mention that? Another reason I feel I can so relate to her.
~She's also a gifted writer. Seriously, have you ever written a book, Serene??
~She has a fabulous sense of humor. Instead of glossing over the messy parts of life, she'll admit defeat, hide, or find away to laugh at it.


Do yourself a favor and check her out. Her blog is always great for a giggle.

Jamie

Another friend from the PNW. I get jealous of this gal when she talks about the greenery and beaches near where she lives. I'd LOVE to visit the Washington/Oregon area someday.

So, about Jamie.

I don't remember when I started following her blog, What I did Today. I don't remember how I found it or who led me to it. All I know is I love it. I love how she writes what she did "today." Like a journal. It could be something big and exciting, or it could be something little, like "I went to a girl's night. Had a blast. Up too late. Going to bed" kind of thing.

Jamie is another one of my blog friends who I feel like I know. She's so funny and creative, such a good wife and mom, and one of my fellow Pinterest addicts. You can't help but want to be her friend.

Facts I know about Jamie:
~She has 2 ADORABLE little curly haired girls (#3 will be here soon!)
~She's married to Tony
~She comes from an amazing family. Beyond amazing. She has more than 20 siblings, many of whom are adopted from 3rd world countries. (Right, Jamie? Am I getting that number wrong?) Seriously! That is just fabulous.
~She served a mission for our church, something I totally look up to.
~She's good at cooking for special dietary needs and gives good ideas for recipes.
~She loves to read. (including my story blog. She's one of my heroes).

Jamie, thanks for being cool. And for reading Chapterhouse Lane. I love ya.

Carrie

This woman is a rock star.
I love following her blog because she's someone I can totally admire and relate to. And I can still love her even while I'm jealous of her talents and taste. :)

Carrie, I stole these pictures from your blog because they're so beautiful. I hope you don't mind. If you do, let me know and I'll take them down asap.

A few facts about Carrie:
~She's a photographer (as if you couldn't tell)
~She lives in the Pacific North West
~Her husband (another rockstar!) is almost done with his Master's Program. Yay!
~Her two children are her life. She's an awesome mother.
~She's a wicked good party-planner. Like the kind you'd find all over Pinterest.
~She's an accomplished pie-maker. Someday, I want to go to to one of her pie parties.


Here is someone who has been through the fire and come out refined. Here is someone who doesn't try to sugarcoat her life, but looks for the sweetness in it. Here is a lady who has counts her blessings and her trials and teaches everyone to embrace them both.

I tell her all the time in comments  that I wanna hug her.
She's just that type of person.

Meredith

Sorry I've been slack-a-lackin on the spotlights.

Today's is about a lovely girl who is the cheapest person alive. In a good way.
Her blog, Yours, Mine, and Ours, is always cute, often hilarious, sometimes introspective, and never without smiles.
She teaches me about fashion on a dime and how to love the life you got and love it out loud. She shows you how to put outfits together and how to see the potential in the pile of polyester you picked up at Goodwill.

I've never met Meredith in person, but I hope I do someday. She's the type of person I can imagine laughing really, really hard with.

So because Meredith and I have never had the pleasure of meeting, there are few facts I know about her. But here are the things I do know:

~She's a twin (how cool is that??)
~Her hubby is in law school
~She just got a new camera (I have the same one and they're seriously righteous)
~She has a very cute little boy
~She owns a pink washer. Pink, people!
~She can pull of outfits I'll never look cute in from thrifted and free-piled stuff.

Stay awesome, Meredith. Hope this post does justice to your greatness.
And hurry up and come to AZ, will ya??