The Solution...

... for "oh crap we're going to a baptism and I forgot to shave."

Oh black boots

How I adore thee.

Thy lovely high heel,

Thy supple black leather

The way thou coverest

My pasty, pasty legs.

And scruffy, hairy calves

     like the sasquatch.

And the way thou makest

Me to look far hotter

Than I truly am.