Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Six Months

Dear Ladybug,

That's what I called you. Ladybug. Ever since the beginning, even before I knew you were a girl. "If it's a girl, I'm calling her Ladybug whenever I talk about her online." We didn't officially settle on your name until the day you were born. We couldn't agree on your middle name. We didn't have time to decide. So you don't have one. I'm sorry about that.

I know it's pointless to tell you I'm sorry. I know you're in a place so much more beautiful than this awful world. I know you're happy, safe, free, and with people who love you. But I have to say it anyway. I'm sorry for your broken heart. I'm sorry we couldn't hold you longer. I'm sorry you weren't as healthy and ready for this world as all the other babies I see, especially those who would have been your bestest friends. And believe me, Ladybug, there's a lot of them.

You would have been six months old today. There have been some changes. The weather got hot and we got a new place. I can't begin to tell you how much I wish you were here, kicking and smiling and even fussing. I wish Daddy could come home to both of us. He misses you too. You are absolutely the light of his life. Forever his girl.

I miss you so much. I think often about the little time I got to hold you, to stroke your hair, to grasp your hand between my fingers and kiss your head. I think a lot about how unfair it is that we didn't get very much time with you. You were so energetic inside me, kicking and punching and moving around like any normal baby would.

You've done a lot of good, you know. There are many people whose lives you have touched. Even people around the world. Your Great-Aunt Linda even said there were people in her mission in Wales that were inspired by you and your story. Everyone in your family, your cousins, aunts, uncles, Grandpas, and Grandma and Granny, all of Mommy and Daddy's extended family and friends, even total strangers have prayed for you and look up to you. It's my hope that everyone who knew you will remember you and want to be just a little bit better.

I love you so much. Eternity has so much more meaning for me now. The covenants we made in the temple are among my most cherished possessions. I cling to forever with all my heart and look to the day when I can pick you up just as I laid you down.

I love you, my Ladybug. My perfect girl. My angel.

Always.

Mom

10 comments:

Heather said...

Hugs and love to you, Bret and sweet angel Ella.

Ames said...

It's clear that your strength comes from above. Ladybug has also inspired a girl in Australia... prayers that you will experience the joy of motherhood again soon.

May there be only joyful memories today.

K & L said...

Amy this kills me - it's so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. I love you!

Momza said...

thank you for sharing your tenderest thoughts reminding me that every day I have with my children is a gift.

Darci said...

Awww... why'd you have to go and make me cry...
I am so glad I started following your blog, Amy. I can't tell you how much I love you. Your strength and perseverance amaze me. I also can't tell you how deeply sorry I am for you guys. I know Ella is waiting for you, and loves you just as much as you love her. God bless you, love.

Blain&Deedra said...

You made me cry again! It's good though. I'm sorry you have to be the one to make me appreciate all that I have. But I want you to know that your story has. I love you! Being a Primary Chorister has had it's affect on me, "I Love to See the Temple...a family IS forever".

Saimi said...

Has it really been six months already, wow! That's a beautiful post Amy, such tender memories.

What I Did Today said...

Beautiful. I'm so grateful to have been able to know about Ella and her sweet little life here on earth. And your words are such a wonderful reminder and example of what we are truly all here for.

Carrie said...

Oh, Amy! Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful.

jen said...

Tears. I miss her too. Love you much.