Saturday, January 8, 2011

One step forward, half step back

Yesterday we went to the funeral home to make some decisions for Ella's services.
I was half dreading it, half looking forward to it.
I don't want to put my baby in the ground. More than anything in the world, I just crave to turn back time, alter reality, hold her close and feel her beating heart. I want her sleeping in her crib in the next room, or laying in my lap and looking up at me. I'll even take her screaming her little lungs out.

But I have to continue through this excruciating trial. And since I have to, I'm glad I have the people at Falconer's Funeral home to help us with the final "goodbye, until we meet again."

They share our religious beliefs and conviction.
Their gentle reassurance and understanding helped put me at ease.
Their generosity left me completely flabbergasted.

For those of you who are local, we will be having the graveside service on Wednesday, January 12th at 1:00 at the Mesa Cemetery.
I feel so much comfort and relief that my baby is in their hands. We went home feeling at peace and bolstered by the good people who are taking care of Ella's final preparations.

Then I made the mistake of looking through a journal entry I wrote while in the hospital while my husband is gone until this afternoon helping his brother with some errands.
Hence, one step forward and half a step back.

Keep busy.
Keep busy.
Find something to do.
Maybe, just this once, I'll let a bowl of ice cream help. Maybe there's something good on tv. can't do too much of that now. still have a few more pounds to get rid of. Or how about a good, hard freewriting session.
I have a prologue to rewrite.


Carrie said...

I am in awe for your strength. And regardless if you feel you are taking one or two steps back, you truly aren't. You have every right to grieve and if that means eating only ice cream for an entire day (been there, done that. wink wink), you are still moving forward and I am so grateful for your example.

Jessica said...

I am all for ice cream...worry about the weight later. ;) heck you just lost 30lbs, eat a whole quart! :)

Suzie said...

Not sure your mom told you that I went through a similar thing-I buried my Eli over 10 years ago but the grief creeps up on me sometimes still.

One thing I remember so clearly is the nurse warning me before I left the hospital that my body would physically mourn my baby boy and that time would help that. It was hard. Time softened it, yes, but it was an emptiness that no one can describe. I am so sorry for you!

My heart goes out to you for this pain you must endure and pray, pray, pray that peace & stillness will be your friends.
Clearly you have a strong testimony, a loving family, a rock of a husband, faith in our Savior's love and a beautiful little angel waiting & cheering her mama on.
Bless you, Amy!

Jamie said...

Dearest Amy,
I know we have never met but I want you to know how much my heart aches for you at this time. We went through this same thing 9 years ago the day after Christmas. You are an amazing daughter of God and I can't wait to meet you someday soon! Please know I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family. I love you!

Unknown said...

I wish so much I could be there to give you a hug.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I am so sad to hear about your loss. My name is Debbie and I've got a project called The Magic Quilt. Momza (Dawn) told me about your little Ella and I'm sending you a quilt. Plus I'm starting a sisterhood. I would love to have you contribute. You can find out details at

It is so sweet that you have that adorable sonogram picture. Isn't it wonderful that modern technology can give you such a clear view of your adorable daughter. She is precious.



P.S. I send you a package in the mail this morning.

Pitterle Postings said...

I am also sad to hear about your loss. I just wanted you to know that my heart and prayers are with you. You are strong, you are righteous, you are amazing. I prayer that you will find comfort and peace during this most difficult time. I am so sorry for your grief.

What I Did Today said...

Wish I could've been there to support you guys and give you a hug!