Monday, August 22, 2011

Ella's headstone

It's finally finished.

We went to see it on Saturday. Even though I knew what it looked like because I designed it, it still killed me to see it in stone.
I posted a picture of it on Facebook. I don't really know why. Maybe to remind people that she's still out there? Or remind them why I don't come to their baby showers or gush and coo over their baby pictures? That's probably it.

They have their pictures, I have mine. Sometimes bitterness wins out and I foolishly try to humble the world, when really I need to humble myself.
Everyone said "it's so beautiful." "I love it." "It's so perfect." "You did a great job." or, my favorite, "dang!" yes. That was a real comment.

Yes, I think it turned out beautiful. But I hate it. I hate that I don't get to use this beautiful name I have loved for so long for a daughter I have longed for my whole life. Instead, this name is on a headstone and my baby is in heaven.

I know what you're thinking. I know I'll have her one day. I know she's mine forever. I know she's perfect and I'll get to raise her. But you know what? I don't have her right now.

And that really, really sucks.


Leigh said...

That's not what I was thinking... I was thinking it SUCKS that you aren't waking up in the middle of the night, grumpy over a crying baby. It sucks that you don't get to hold her every single day or kiss her scrumptious cheeks. It sucks that you aren't dealing with blow-outs or teething troubles. And it sucks that you have to wait. Because even though the eternal perspective is there, WAITING SUCKS. I love you.

Heather said...

Love you Ames. It does suck and even knowing that you will have her again isn't complete solace.

Regina said...

I admit: I really do not know what you are going through and what it feels like. I read quite many blogs and it seems that sometimes one blog of a tragic loss of a wonderful, wonderful child instantly leeds me to the next blog with a touching story of "similar" kind. I sometimes wonder if destiny is stalking me with those blogs and is trying to tell me something deeper.....

Lately found that I had read for 3 hours a blog. Not considering work, husband, dates at all. Just reading.

I stopped by that blog on the latest entry beginning with the words: Today, my lovely child, would have been your first day in Kindergarten.... This mother seems to cope with her situation by continuing life with her child in her imagination.

I do not know if that is a good idea. (To me it is quite hard to imagine to raise my child when you meet in heaven: All your other children might probably have become parents by themselves, you probably have become a crowne. This does not work so well in my imagination). Finally, it seems to work for that mother.

Hope you´ll find your way to better feelings and visions.

(Lehrte near Hannover/Germany)

Lindsey said...

Amy it DOES suck. It is heartbreaking and my heart breaks for you. I wish more than anything you could hold her right now. I'm sorry - I love you.
And ps - saying the headstone is beautiful doesn't mean we're happy you had to design one. It's just beautiful because of the time you put in for your sweet daughter to have something from her mommy. Lots of love Amy. You're amazing.

Patrice said...

Sometimes the pain is just too great to pray it away. I know you have kept praying anyway! Here's a hug!

Elise said...

It totally sucks. Much love coming your way right now and everytime you have a sad time. Love you guys so much.

Lindsey Smith said...

sending love your way today.

Darci Cole said...

Dang... you made me cry :-(

Love you Amy.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...




Thinking of you a lot. Honest.

Grumpy Grateful Mom said...

Tears streaming down my eyes. Wish I could make it better. Prayers for you and your family.

Saimi said...

I am so sorry, and for what it's worth, it's a beautiful headstone.

Lisa @ Pulsipher Page said...

I miss my little girl too. still. always. Our family will never be complete until we are reunited. KNOWING this truth, that we will be reunited is what gives me such happiness and pushes me to be a better person. She has made me a better person.
It really is a beautiful headstone and I'll stop by when I visit my Angela.

What I Did Today said...

I imagine it will always be something beautiful that you hate. It took me the longest time to be able to visit my baby sister's grave and see "our baby" engraved on the stone and not just bawl. I never met her. She lived less than 24 hours. 20 years later and my mom still has a hard time talking about it, but time has helped heal her broken heart and she can now talk about Kristen with out crying. I hope and pray time will heal your hurt too.

Unknown said...

no words, only love. *hugs*

heather said...

There is nothing I can say, but I send my love.

jen said...


Kaci Uipi said...

Yeah, I hate it when someone says to you "Oh-- I know this is so hard for you and I'm sorry that you don't want to go to my baby shower..." and then the next day they post a hundred pics of their baby on FB. Anyway, I know some of it is just me, and I need to get over the fact that people are insensitive at times. Well I'm insensitive too, so I can't really blame them and if it's never happened to you, you just don't get it. I think I just need to avoid FB for a while, cause every time I get on there and see baby pics people post it's like a pain in my gut... to me it's like "look at my baby that you don't have and let me shove it in your face". Okay this is to teach me, right. We still haven't gotten a headstone for Joshua.... uhh yeah need to do that. Life sucks, but my blessings do outweigh the sucky things in my life

Suzie said...

Crushing, I know.

Love the lady bug and the font.
Her E looks so girly & sweet.

This line in your post really struck me: "I foolishly try to humble the world, when I really need to humble myself"

agh. SO needed that reminder.