Saturday, January 1, 2011

Can't Sleep

Worrying too much.
Not so much about Ella because I know where she is; safe and happy. Right now, I just miss her.
No, right now I'm worrying about my own health. Blood pressure too high, heart rate low, and other issues that aren't serious, just another punch in the face. Don't worry, it's not anything anyone did or said. We have felt surrounded by the love of our Father in Heaven, Jesus Christ, family and friends. We have felt the prayers of so many; some people we've never even met.

It's really hard to write down emotions and events, especially when the emotions are still so raw and the events still so harrowing. I've written some things down, but I don't know if I'll share them on here. They still sting.
I'm sorry I already posted song lyrics. The one in my last post came so freely to my mind, it was the only thing I could bear to write.
But song lyrics communicate emotion so well and with little effort on my part. If you don't mind, I'd like to share another one with you. I apologize to God and every prayerful person that it's not a hymn or church song, even though those have come to mind as well.

This is actually a love song from a Broadway musical. But it fits how I'm feeling about my baby girl.

At the edge of darkness
Hope is whispering still
Tender, honoring, gently stirring
Memories unfurling in the mind
Warm winds from a far, forgotten country
Long left behind.
Distant and divided
Worlds and miles apart
Dreams of days together
Broken in my heart.
Lives whistle before us
Fade away;
Sweet words we will never whisper
Words we long to say:

Soft, now my love
And rest your hand in mine
Feel my love, I am near.
Always, my love
Forever by your side
Love eternal* love undying.

Wandering the empty world
In twilight's silver shade
Following the hidden path
Slow and unafraid.
Let the sunlight free the heart
Forever bound to roam
And let the waking morning find
The weary traveler returning home.
*original word was "immortal."

It's a beautiful song. If you'd like to hear it in it's entirety, click here.

I am able to smile.
I still need to cry.
But crying hurts my healing body.
Like laughing.
I'm scared to sleep.
But mornings bring me hope.


Saimi said...

Bless you Amy, my heart has been with you, my thoughts have been with, my prayers have been with you.

I think your little bug knew she wasn't going to stay but really needed to meet you before she left. Perhaps that's why she hung on so long.

You are an inspiration to me Amy.

May you find peace in the New Year.

sandalloons40 said...

hi Amy, You don't me but, I a friend of your Dear Mother's. :)
I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss on earth but, you will see your precious little ella again one day, as now she is laying in the palm of the loving hands of God. I have never lost a child but, I have been told it is the hardest thing you will ever endure in life. But, I just wanted to say I am glad you are here alive and will continue to get better, heal and grieve. Well, and just a little bit about me and maybe I can help somewhere. I am now 47, wife and mother of 3 children, one in a group home for almost 7 years, down the street from your parents house, with mental problems. I feel so Blessed to be here on earth in my life. I too was a very sick little girl, left without food, abused, and just smiled(its my faith) and spend most of my life in the hospital. I out grew most of my sicknesses at about 9th grade and then I began to do so much for others, as it was done to me to save my life of sickness.

My nurses always said I always just smiled. so, I just wanted to encourage you to keep on living and if you find you do things out of the ordinary in the grieving process, it is ok, as that is part of the process.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers always! God bless you Amy and your husband!♥

GGMA said...

We love you,Amy. Take care of yourself now. Little Ella is strong and healthy and waiting for the time you will meet again.

jen said...


Unknown said...

Sending love and prayers. Wishing I could do more.

Marilyn said...

It doesn't matter that the song is not a hymn. The words speak to your heart and to mine. I love you!

Jessica said...

Is Ella Bean singing this to you or are you singing this to her? :) Love you!

Larissa said...

Amy, My prayers are with you. Hang in there. I am grateful for the plan of salvation to help give us an understanding of why we are here, that life isn't meant to be easy, perfect,...I know it doesn't make it easier just a little more comforting. Love ya, Larissa

Our Little Family said...

Thinking of you, sending our love

Leigh said...

Some of the songs I find to be most powerful are not hymns. Our thoughts and experiences provide depth to any lyrics which speak to us. Music can hold so much power. I hope the songs you love help lift you. I love ya, Sema.

Unknown said...

Sometimes, hymns just don't cut it. Sometimes they do. When my partner was killed in a bike accident in July09 I clung to 2 things. Phil 4 : 13, and a hymn called "Oh Love that wilt not let me go."

The third verse is now my email sigline.

1. O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

2. O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

3. O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

4. O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

Praying for you and your family.

What I Did Today said...

Sweet Amy. Prayers and wishes are being said and made in your behalf. I hope you can feel them. I hope they buoy you and your dear husband up. I hope you can sleep (and cry) very soon.