Thursday, February 17, 2011

Learning to Fly

I wish I could be as upbeat as some of my blog posts are. When people ask me how I'm doing, I'm tempted to say "Not as good on the inside as I am on the outside." I battle bitterness and envy along with my grief every single day.

It's because of this that I've decided to stop following the "live feed" on Facebook. Jealousy is not an emotion my Father in Heaven wants me to feel and it is so easy for that green-eyed monster to bite me when I see how many people on facebook are pregnant! or have four more weeks! or are so in love with their perfect, their healthy, their beautiful babies.*

Today on my walk, I was listening to Pandora internet radio on my phone. The song Learning to Fly by Michele McLaughlin came on. It's a beautiful piano solo that of course, made me think of Ella. Everything beautiful reminds me of her.

Learning to fly, I thought. I wish I could fly. I fly a lot in my dreams. In a perfect world, flying broomsticks would be real and jetpacks would be sold like newspapers on the corner.
I wondered if Ella was learning to fly.
Then the thought came to me:

She didn't have to learn. She already knew how.

That's why she got to fly home.

 But I know she beckons. I know she wants me to fly one day too .

For now, I'm walking for exercise. I can't run because of the surgery, even though I want to. I have to walk first. I have to walk before I can run and I have to run before I can fly.
I won't fly in this life. But I will someday. With her.
With my husband. With my family. In our perfect world.

We all have to walk before we can run. And we all have to run... and endure... before we can fly.

*I want my sweet sister in law, who just gave birth to a beautiful
little boy, to know how much I love her and how grateful I am 
that her sweet family is growing. I also want my other sweet sister in law,
who is expecting a little boy in a few more months, to know how much
I love her too. I am sad I don't get to raise my little girl in this life. 

But I never, ever want my sisters to feel like they can't be as
happy and as in love with their precious children as they deserve to be.
You are both wonderful and I'm thankful you're my sisters.


Heather said...

Even though you are happy for others it is a bit like salt in the wound when you are constantly bombarded by the things you want most. You are precious Amy and have a wonderful understanding of the gospel and Heavenly Father's plan. We may not know the "why" of His plan we can know that God knows, and that has to be enough for now.

Lindsey said...

Amy, you have every reason to feel the way you do. I remember feeling that way after 3 miscarriages and still no Hannah. It was awful - and I know your grief is so much more than that. You got to hold your sweet girl in your arms, only to have to say goodbye a short time later. You are allowed to be sad - and you are allowed to avoid anything that makes you feel worse. That doesn't mean you are ungrateful, or that you aren't happy for others - you just need time. As much time as you need!

The Clawson's said...

You do what ever you need to heal. Amy you seriously are the best sister-in-law, we are lucky Standage girls to have another great sister. We now just have to pray that Craig and Cody marry fun girls-yikes! you much!

Saimi said...

Hey Amy, just because the funeral is over and life is still moving forward doesn't mean it's over for you. Take all the time you need to heal, you went through something very emotional and it's going to take some time.

Hugs :)

What I Did Today said...

I wish I had words that were sweet and beautiful like those of the other readers/commentors. I love how you are simply doing what will keep you happiest and that you are being given insights to help you heal. If you ever need a break from my blog I would never, ever hold it against you. :) I would have liked to listen to the song you linked but my computer isn't cooperating.

What I Did Today said...

Though I would miss your thoughtful, well-written and often humourous comments!

Unknown said...

I pray you feel peace each and every day.

Unknown said...

There's so much truth in this... thank you for sharing :). It is an encouragement to see the strength that you get from God filter through into these posts... will be praying for you :).

Meredith said...

i was talking to my mom the other day about all the girl babies being born lately and the first one i thought of was your ella. her picture is just so sweet. you gave birth to perfection and she will never be anything less than that. amazing. i truly hope your insides and outsides can match up more often than not someday:)

Stefani said...

Amy, I feel your pain and I am so sorry that you have to know what its like to wish you could fly when you only get to walk. I hope you know that if you need anyone who understands, please feel free to call me. I firmly believe that you absolutely need time to heal, lots of time. Because you are a good person, you are of course happy for others, and would never want anyone to know your pain, but its ok to need to heal. I can watch and hold babies and be happy and share others joy, but it has been over a year since we lost our boys and I still cant bring myself to go to a baby shower. Someday maybe. You will know when the time is right. In the mean time, its ok to take time for you. We love you and think about you often. We are here if you need anything.

Unknown said...

I have been wondering if this is how you are really doing. I'm so sorry you sweet friend.

Still sending love and prayers.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Oh my sweet, sweet friend. I am so sorry. I have been so sparse around the blogosphere and am still playing catch-up. So this is the first I've heard about your sweet angel.

Honestly, I never know what to say in situations like this because I always wonder if it would be something I would like or hate to hear if it were to happen to me.

You know I think you're grand, right? I'll be thinking of you much. I really will be.


Molly Campbell said...

I wanted to let you know how much your blog posts have helped me put things in perspective. I work full time from home while trying to simultaneously raise our 1 year old boy. He's generally a very good sleeper but is teething and has cut some naps short lately. It always stresses me out so quickly, because I know he'll be grumpy and hard to entertain as I'm trying to work.

During his afternoon nap, I took a quick work break and found your blog through Better After. I had just barely heard a noise from the baby monitor that made me think he might wake up early, and I was all tensed up. As I read these posts about your beautiful daughter, I felt so ashamed and blessed. Suddenly I wanted my son to wake up early, just so I could see him and hold him, and be so grateful that he's here. I felt so ashamed for wanting him to sleep, just so my life would be easier, so I wouldn't feel guilty about having to work while he was awake and playing by himself.

Thank you so much for writing these. I can't imagine what you went through, I'm in awe of your strength. I know there will always be another time when I'll take my sweet boy for granted, but you've helped me to escape this time.