Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart.
Oh, give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars.


Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares.


Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless.
Please remember me


From the song Dante's Prayer by Loreena McKennitt

A few thoughts on the normal part of pregnancy

My mom said God gives us the last month of pregnancy so we will do ANYTHING to get this baby out.

heh heh. yeah.

A couple of thoughts as I reach the 'home stretch.' 

~stretch.... as in marks. Um, gross. Who let the crazy clawing cat with the purple nail polish into my pajamas?

~well hello, toilet. We meet again. It's been what, six minutes? Bladders do make such fine pillows.

~leaky ladies. They are like that rain storm on Bambi. Starts out with a few drips, but one day I know, with a chorus and clash of thunder, all the happy little April showers will turn into a soak-fest.

~No. More. Room. As in... none. It's weird feeling my stomach growl in my chest instead of in, well, my stomach.

~Oh, there you are, toes! 

~After sleeping thirty minutes: okay, ow. Time to flip to the other side. 

~After flipping, but doing it wrong: okay, OW!!! That stretching ligament suddenly turned into acute appendicitis. since I no longer have an appendix, I can compare the two.

~I miss sleeping on my back. That was the most comfortable for me before baby became organ-crusher.

~I used to be a dancer. I used to look cool when I danced. Now if a very groovable song comes on the radio (like early Britney Spears or, I admit it, Poker Face by Lady Gaga) I just look like a wobbling watermelon.

~Stop it, uterus! Braxton Hicks contractions, so not cool.

~Worrying about Braxton Hicks contractions because what if it's the real thing? My hospital is thirty minutes away... what if we get there and they say with a smile "false alarm! you can go home now, sweetheart!" Ugh.

~bed rest. Nuff said.

~Course, my nail polish has never lasted this long before. Awesome.

~Ever notice how as we get uglier, husbands get handsomer? No fair.

~Anyone feel like going to redbox for me? I haven't seen Shrek Ever After, Sorcerer's Apprentice, Robin Hood, Charlie St. Cloud, Killers, or Inception yet. Some of these movies I only care to see out of curiosity, such as Robin Hood and Charlie St. Cloud.

I think I've gone on long enough. Plus, this chair is starting to get uncomfortable. It's my fabulous new glider, so it's supposed to be comfortable, but with all this extra poundage, I don't think comfortable is in my vocabulary anymore.

Thanks for all your love, prayers, and encouragement!!! Hopefully this post will leave you with a smile on your face. I thought it was time for something silly.

What's it like?

Sorry I've dropped off the face of the blogosphere for the last few days. I'm still pregnant, so it's not because of a new baby. I've just had a few of "those" days... and a few good ones too... but little motivation to blog.


Since my last post, I had two more doctor's appointments, another hospital visit (only a few hours this time, which brings my collection of high-fashion hospital bracelets up to 5, including the 3 from the first visit... oh, and I got poked again. Just once) and a consult with a cardiovascular surgeon.
The consult with the surgeon was the ray of sunshine my stormy, aching heart needed. After hearing a lot of grim news from the cardiologist, I had a hard time keeping my faith and optimism afloat.


But after meeting Dr. Nigro, I couldn't help thinking... "paging Dr. Awesome..."
Don't get me wrong, the other doctors are phenomenal. Top docs in the state, and probably among the top in the country. But hearing Dr. Nigro's reassurances and seeing his quiet confidence and unassuming professionalism, the hope I so desperately needed was given to me.


"Children with this kind of heart defect have a 97% chance of survival rate," he said.


Now that's a number I like to hear.


Still, in quiet, lonely moments when I see one of my pregnant friends gush about how in love they are with their perfect, healthy baby I can't help but wonder...
What's it like to have a healthy baby?


This is my first pregnancy ever. I don't know what it is be pregnant, go to normal OB visits, then go to the hospital, have a baby, and take her home. I don't know what it feels like to have a room to decorate (we still live at my aunt's house until they return from Wales next summer), to have that nesting instinct kick in, to have my only worries be about labor & delivery and learning to nurse.
Times like this make it really easy to feel sorry for myself.


But then I'm reminded of something. There are so many wonderful, worthy women out there who don't get to experience pregnancy at all. Or if they do, they are dealt the trial of miscarriages, complications, even the exquisite pain of losing their precious baby. Some women don't even get to experience marriage... and it's usually the ones who deserve it the most.


And I am humbled.


I don't know what's going to happen in the coming weeks. I'm hoping and praying for a miracle, bracing myself for hard times ahead, and looking ahead with teeth-clenching faith to a time when I can finally bring my baby home to stay.
Until then, I'll count my blessings. or try to. nobody's perfect, right?


And someday, I'll finally know what it's like.

Sigh

So far, a week of ups and downs. Well, more like downs and ups. 

Monday I went to a new perinatalogist because these guys are the ones that deliver at the hospital I'm supposed to go to. The cardiologist wants me to go to Good Samaritan instead of Banner Desert. At first I was SO bummed because I had gotten to know some of the nurses at Banner, toured the NICU with the Man, gotten used to the specialist I was already seeing, and thought one of the partners from my original OB would deliver our baby. 

It'll be okay in the end. But it was still disappointing at first.

So... after a three hour doctor's appointment in which I had to fill out a mountain of paperwork AGAIN, explain to the ultrasound people that my baby has a heart defect that we are well aware of, and talk about all the medical crud that's been going on the last few weeks, I got strapped to a monitor for an NST (non-stress-test).

Ladybug wasn't very active, so the resident came in with this buzzer thingy to wake her up. My mom, who was with me, said it must have really freaked her (the baby) out because her heart rate dropped for a moment. Because of it, they sent me to the hospital for more monitoring.

Yes, you heard right. Hospital. Again. 

I was extremely upset at first. I had just gotten OUT of the hospital!! But this time, it was okay except they wouldn't let me eat in case I had to deliver. Talk about a quick way to make a pregnant woman reeeeeaaaally crabby. They only kept me for just over an hour and Ladybug's heart rate was fine. But I was contracting a lot too. At 35 weeks, that's not a good thing. But I was also a little dehydrated, which once I had that under control, the contractions eased. I was able to go home a LOT sooner than I thought!

So I left the house that morning with Mom at around 6:45 a.m. And got home around 1:30 pm. Long morning.

Still keeping the preeclampsia at bay. Wahoo!

Starting to dread Doctor's appointments even though they are not only necessary, they are vital.

Still sitting around on my bum. Which is what I need to be doing but all the same, it stinks.

My muscles have atrophied to the point that I can't even open a new bottle of apple juice. Where's the Man when you need him? Oh yeah... at school... preparing for our future so he can provide for his family.

Ow. Baby in the ribcage again.

Sigh.

Just a few more weeks. Then the hard part begins.

Finally! Pictures!

 Hang on. Can't... lean... forward. Baby foot in ribcage.


Okay, I'm good. Here's a slightly random photo montage of the last few weeks in chronological order:

12/1/10 Released from the hospital. Here are my lovely new bracelets, complements of Banner Desert Medical Center. The "allergy" tag was for... drumroll please... peanuts.

I got poked by needles 10 times. Did I mention that? I'm kind of a show off about it.

Here is the front of my shower invitation. Picture taken by Jen Roberts of Green Apple Images

12/4/10 And here's me... the lump. At the baby shower! We decided to go with a Christmasy theme since my mom's house was already deliciously decorated. Everything was beautiful from the food to the decor, put together by Mom, sisters, sisters-in-law, and Mother-in-law

I sat in this chair for the majority of the time. The only time I got up was once to use the potty... and to grab more food while I was already on my feet. I am the bottomless pit after all.

 And here's some of the adorable gifts I recieved! 

Here are three BEAUTIFUL quilts my mom made. Ah, can't stand the cuteness.

 A few little outfits (lots of ladybug stuff! Yay!) :)

 Dresses too stinkin cute for words. The one on the left is from my sister Jen, middle from my MIL, the right from my sister Jess.There were LOTS of other very, very cute things, but these were just a few that I pulled out for pictures. Ladybug will not be in short supply of cute jammies and comfy blankies!

12/10/10 And here I am at 34 weeks. 35 on Monday! This picture was taken the same day I came back from the doctor with a report that the preeclampsia symptoms are GONE!!!! I still need to stay on bedrest because that's probably why the symptoms have gone away. But it's truly amazing to have that little boost. Prayers are working! And they always will. :)

And last, but best of all: a new picture of Ladybug!! She's so cute and the picture is so clear! Technology is truly astounding.

I love you, my sweet girl! Keep being strong, keep kicking mommy, and let's astonish all these brilliant doctors by how well you do and how fast you heal!

Phoenix Children's Hospital

Yesterday I went for a tour of the hospital where Ladybug will be staying during her first few weeks of life and during recovery after surgeries. My mom went with me.

A very nice lady named Lynn was there to meet us. She's a fetal nursing coordinator for the pediatric cardiologist and has been a sort of liaison between me and all the doctors swirling around my schedule. She took us on the tour.

We met Dr. Martin, one of the neonatalagists, and toured the NICU and PICU areas of the hospital. 

And I have to say, I have never felt so welcomed and comforted by a hospital in my entire life. Dr. Martin explained everything that would happen on the day the baby is born; the likely scenarios, what I can expect, even how many people will be in the delivery room. (4, not including my own birthing team which will consist of my husband, my mom, and my older sister who is a labor delivery nurse and a professional photographer. The hospital staff will include a perinatalogist, a neonatalogist, a nurse, and a resident.)

When we went to the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit), I finally lost it. Seeing these little babies in a hospital, hooked up to machines when they should be at home in the arms of their mommies and daddies, made my heart break. No one should have to feel the pain we've felt. No one should have to experience seeing their tiny, precious one suffer through such a trial. And I don't want it either.

Seeing my tears, one of the nurses came and put her arms around me. Lynn brought me a box of tissues. The rest of the staff spoke reassuring words while I (and my mom) collected our emotions. Then we were introduced to a sweet little family who had an adorable 4-month-old baby boy recovering from surgery.

She called him her "champ" and said he surprised the doctors with how quickly he's recovering. 

At the end of the tour, I was able to leave the hospital with a smile and a comfort. We were in the most capable hands, in the most state-of-the art facility, and in the most loving and supportive atmosphere available.

God bless that amazing family and all others with healing babies. God bless these wonderful people working in that place.


*next time I'll post baby shower pics.

Shower post on hold

I want to wait until I have some pictures to post. I wasn't behind the camera during Ladybug's baby shower so I don't have a single one yet. But I'll get them! And when I do, I'll give you a belated post. 

But for today, just a few thoughts:

~My back hurts. Yuck.

~I got up way too many times last night because I had to pee. I guess that can be a good thing... stay hydrated!

~I'm getting my teeth cleaned today. I'm one of those psychos who looks forward to cleanings. For me, it's like going to get a massage. I can't wait!! Plus I get to see my old coworkers. I had to leave so unexpectedly, I didn't get a chance to hug them all goodbye. I'm glad I get to go back and see them. (Dr. T is not expected to be there. ahem.... I'm okay with that.)

~And I'm thinking of changing my blog background again just cuz I have some extra free time.

What do you think?