Friday, November 5, 2010

Healing a Broken Heart

The hardest question not to ask is Why.
The hardest thing not to do is fear.

A week ago, we found out our little Ladybug has a hole in her heart. The devastation we felt was mercifully eased by prayer, priesthood blessings, temple attendance, and further educating ourselves on the condition.

We were feeling optimistic. At peace. Everything was going to be okay, whether it was through a literal miracle or the miracle of modern medicine. Our little girl will live a long, healthy, normal life.

Then we went to the perinatal specialist. I thought more of my worries would be eased, more questions answered. At the appointment, the doctor told me there was a 10%-40% chance that because our little one has this heart defect, she may also have a chromosomal or genetic defect as well.

I feel like I have a hole in my own heart. I'm trying SO hard to keep optimistic like before, to wear a smile and remember that every other organ in her body including her brain, limbs, lungs, and umbilical cord are all functioning beautifully. I'm trying to trust in the Lord, to remember that my baby's precious life is in His perfect, loving hands... to remember that it is His will and not mine that will be done.

And yet it feels unbearably selfish to want a healthy, pretty little girl of my own. I should be grateful to bear a child at all (it took us almost two years of no prevention to finally get pregnant). I feel like I don't deserve it. And I have to beat down the rising envy in my heart when I hear of how wonderful everyone else's pregnancies are going.

I'm trying. I'm praying. I'm hoping. And all I can do is wait. It's like trying to take a deep breath with a huge heavyweight sitting on my chest.

Here's some photos of our little sweet pea:

 This one is at about 8-9 weeks.

 And here she is at 16 weeks, when we found it she was a she.

And here's the Ladybug at 28 weeks. Those 3D ultrasounds are AMAZING!
The dark spots on her head are due to the imaging machine. Her head is fine.

So here we go with the next processes: a pediatric cardiologist, who will hopefully help us to figure more of this out. And some genetic testing to rule out any other problems.

Thank goodness the Man has been learning about anatomy and physiology and all that great stuff. He can understand all the crazy medical jargon they're swapping around during these doctor's appointments. And thank goodness he's also my rock and my anchor during all we're going through. He's always been so much more patient and positive than me. 

In the midst of all my frustration, pain, and worry, this I do know: a broken heart can heal. Whether it's mine or my husband's or our little girl's.

The hardest part is waiting for it to heal.


Saimi said...

Wow Amy! Bless her little heart, my prayers are with you!

The Clawson's said...

Oh Amy, I've been anxious to hear and I'm so sorry for the not-so-comforting news. You all are in our prayers. But I'm so excited to meet this cute chunky girl!

Unknown said...

I will pray for you and the little one. I hope you can find peace and comfort. Remember to keep taking care of yourself...which ultimately helps the baby.

AZ Wrights said...

One of my favorite scriptures Proverbs 3:5-6 has given me comfort thru difficult times. I'm praying for you and your little ladybug. I can already tell she will bless the lives of all lucky enough to know and love her:) Love ya.

What I Did Today said...

Oh Amy. I will keep you, your husband and Ladybug in my prayers. I hope and pray all will be well and that no matter what, you will have the strength and faith to weather any future storms. Thus begins the acquiring of your gray hairs due to worrying about your kids!

Patrice said...

I remember those days/hours/months/years of praying. We will add to them!

Mari said...

We've been thinking of you and praying for you. I hope that the Lord will continue to comfort you and heal all your aching hearts.

Granny J said...

A friend once said to me, "It's ok to ask why, but then answer the question." That has lifted the burden of guilt feelings and I nearly always find the "good".

Ditto to other's comments...praying for your family.

Lisa said...

You are in my prayers! Heavenly Father will guide you through this and give you strength that will amaze you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

Jessica said...

We love you Ames! Praying for you, The Man, and your little lady bug every day! hoping for the best news tomorrow. xo

Suzie said...

Popped over from your mom's blog-whom I adore & have much love and respect for.

My thoughts are with you as well as my prayers. Please know that as I do this, I have faith that all will work out for you and your little ladybug.
May you feel peace & love constantly at this time!

Kassi Jane said...

Love u and I will pray for your family as well.

jen said...

Amy, you have been in my thoughts & prayers continually. Know how dearly this little ladybug is loved by so many! We ache for you & Bret and pray so fervently that all will be well through faith, the miracles of medicine and the power of love. You are going to be an amazing mother and this little girl is so blessed.

Jami said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Bret. Keep us posted!

kristie said...

Our prayers will be with you. If you are in need of any doctor advice, my SIL had twins in April. One has had to have two and later on a third heart surgery. She has other problems too. Organs in the wrong place. Let me know if you would like to chat with her at all.

Unknown said...

I came over from your mom's blog. I just want you to know that we have friends who had this same issue with their youngest child years ago. She is a totally healthy 12 year old child now. She had major surgery when she was one, but everything went great and she healed quick.

Keep faith which will give you hope. Someone told me the other day that faith is knowing that God will answer your prayer however is needed for you and that you will accept it without question.

Thoughts and prayers to you and your husband and little one.