Monday, December 20, 2010

What's it like?

Sorry I've dropped off the face of the blogosphere for the last few days. I'm still pregnant, so it's not because of a new baby. I've just had a few of "those" days... and a few good ones too... but little motivation to blog.

Since my last post, I had two more doctor's appointments, another hospital visit (only a few hours this time, which brings my collection of high-fashion hospital bracelets up to 5, including the 3 from the first visit... oh, and I got poked again. Just once) and a consult with a cardiovascular surgeon.
The consult with the surgeon was the ray of sunshine my stormy, aching heart needed. After hearing a lot of grim news from the cardiologist, I had a hard time keeping my faith and optimism afloat.

But after meeting Dr. Nigro, I couldn't help thinking... "paging Dr. Awesome..."
Don't get me wrong, the other doctors are phenomenal. Top docs in the state, and probably among the top in the country. But hearing Dr. Nigro's reassurances and seeing his quiet confidence and unassuming professionalism, the hope I so desperately needed was given to me.

"Children with this kind of heart defect have a 97% chance of survival rate," he said.

Now that's a number I like to hear.

Still, in quiet, lonely moments when I see one of my pregnant friends gush about how in love they are with their perfect, healthy baby I can't help but wonder...
What's it like to have a healthy baby?

This is my first pregnancy ever. I don't know what it is be pregnant, go to normal OB visits, then go to the hospital, have a baby, and take her home. I don't know what it feels like to have a room to decorate (we still live at my aunt's house until they return from Wales next summer), to have that nesting instinct kick in, to have my only worries be about labor & delivery and learning to nurse.
Times like this make it really easy to feel sorry for myself.

But then I'm reminded of something. There are so many wonderful, worthy women out there who don't get to experience pregnancy at all. Or if they do, they are dealt the trial of miscarriages, complications, even the exquisite pain of losing their precious baby. Some women don't even get to experience marriage... and it's usually the ones who deserve it the most.

And I am humbled.

I don't know what's going to happen in the coming weeks. I'm hoping and praying for a miracle, bracing myself for hard times ahead, and looking ahead with teeth-clenching faith to a time when I can finally bring my baby home to stay.
Until then, I'll count my blessings. or try to. nobody's perfect, right?

And someday, I'll finally know what it's like.


Unknown said...

I think everyone gets these moments before their baby is born. The fear of the unknown can be quite powerful.

Your baby will be fine. So will you.

You are beautiful.

Carrie said...

You know, I have often been jealous of the women who have babies and hold them right away and then get to take them home. The ones who have visitors because their baby is with them in their room. I have yet to experience that simple thing because both of mine ended up in the NICU right after birth. But I look at them now...and with all the struggles...right now I HAVE THEM. So that "normalcy" is nothing to be jealous of. Your experience is different, but is your own, and it really just means that can do it!

Saimi said...

I know a young couple who's baby was born premature, it's predicted he will be in the hospital for his first 5-6 months. He's going to have some major health concerns and needs surgery when he is a bit older.

Not everybody's baby is born with a healthy body but they are all perfect!

You're lady bug is going to be fine! She has awesome parents who will make sure of it!

Have a Merry Christmas!!

Unknown said...

Keep faith. You and ladybug are in my prayers.

Marilyn said...

Hang in there Amsie. I have literally felt the prayers surrounding us. Keep writing about it-there may be someone out there you will touch! I can't wait to see and kiss lil Ladybug!

Rie Teemant said...

We're behind you toots. All of us who have suffered the disappointments that life can bring and we're praying you have as few of them as possible! I'm looking forward to seeing you!

jen said...

Big hugs Ames. You & your sweet bean are so loved & prayed for. More than you may even know. Feel that strength...and know how much we think of you. My camera is itching to capture those charming, chubby cheeks. Can't wait to meet her.

What I Did Today said...

That IS a good number! And remember, everybody's story is different. Every pregnancy is different. Every labor is different. Can't wait to hear yours and see some cute pics of you with your sweet little one!

KC said...

Sometimes I wonder why god worked it out to where we got to take Joshua home for about 6 days before going back to the hospital where he never came home again... Looking back at pictures while leaving the NICU and seeing his rash on his body that I didn't realize until 2 days later at his DRs appt. Makes me think...okay I guess we were supposed to bring him home for 6 days?? This is confusing I know, but you see, I now know that the rash at 3 days was the candida yeast that also Was found in his lungs.. Of course I also think if I said something about his rash in the NICU maybe they could've saved him... Uhhhhhhhh get real.. The bottom line is: he was supposed to die as a baby as sad as it is. Ella was 3% and joshua was one born with something that only one in every 250 thousand are born with So I try to look at it as being super super special! (yeah sure...)