Six Months

Dear Ladybug,

That's what I called you. Ladybug. Ever since the beginning, even before I knew you were a girl. "If it's a girl, I'm calling her Ladybug whenever I talk about her online." We didn't officially settle on your name until the day you were born. We couldn't agree on your middle name. We didn't have time to decide. So you don't have one. I'm sorry about that.

I know it's pointless to tell you I'm sorry. I know you're in a place so much more beautiful than this awful world. I know you're happy, safe, free, and with people who love you. But I have to say it anyway. I'm sorry for your broken heart. I'm sorry we couldn't hold you longer. I'm sorry you weren't as healthy and ready for this world as all the other babies I see, especially those who would have been your bestest friends. And believe me, Ladybug, there's a lot of them.

You would have been six months old today. There have been some changes. The weather got hot and we got a new place. I can't begin to tell you how much I wish you were here, kicking and smiling and even fussing. I wish Daddy could come home to both of us. He misses you too. You are absolutely the light of his life. Forever his girl.

I miss you so much. I think often about the little time I got to hold you, to stroke your hair, to grasp your hand between my fingers and kiss your head. I think a lot about how unfair it is that we didn't get very much time with you. You were so energetic inside me, kicking and punching and moving around like any normal baby would.

You've done a lot of good, you know. There are many people whose lives you have touched. Even people around the world. Your Great-Aunt Linda even said there were people in her mission in Wales that were inspired by you and your story. Everyone in your family, your cousins, aunts, uncles, Grandpas, and Grandma and Granny, all of Mommy and Daddy's extended family and friends, even total strangers have prayed for you and look up to you. It's my hope that everyone who knew you will remember you and want to be just a little bit better.

I love you so much. Eternity has so much more meaning for me now. The covenants we made in the temple are among my most cherished possessions. I cling to forever with all my heart and look to the day when I can pick you up just as I laid you down.

I love you, my Ladybug. My perfect girl. My angel.

Always.

Mom